On Friday, December 14th a gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School and opened fire. Minutes later 26 people were dead, 20 of which were children. Regardless of whether or not you are a parent, have kids in elementary school or have been a victim of gun violence this kind of trauma shakes us all to the core.

It is difficult to “make sense” of a horrible tragedy like this. We will probably never will but what we can do is focus on the acts of humanity, amazing people who responded, keep our loved ones close and take action that helps us to feel like we are making the world a little bit of a better place. There is nothing we can do to bring back those precious lives that were lost, but we can always take steps to help those that are here and to stand up for what we believe.

What You Can Do

One of the most important things you can do it turn off the television. When a horrible incident like this occurs it is out natural inclination to want to get information and to keep the television on to accomplish that. But the last thing kids need to see is images of frightened child evacuating their school and the last thing they need to hear is stories of kids who died.

Studies of middle school children, who had no direct personal exposure and were 100 miles from the Oklahoma City blast, found that those who had watched more television footage of the disaster had the most psychological symptoms of distress. It is believed by some researchers that children experience what is now known as vicarious exposure, or being traumatized from a distance, that may be as significant as actually being there at the site of the trauma. Even two years later, many of these children report bomb related symptoms that impaired their functioning at home or at school.

Safety

Children of all ages have one primary concern. That concern is safety, their own safety and the
safety of those they care about. Most children want to know that they and their parents are safe. One of the most common and difficult questions to answer is, “Will this happen at my school?” Often it is a parent’s natural inclination to say, “Of course not!” in order to calm their child and make them feel better. A more honest and empowering response is to say, “A shooting like this
almost never happens,” and then to talk about the safety precautions your child’s school takes to protect your child and the importance of taking all school safety drills seriously.

Talking About It

For older children or kids who were exposed to media about the story having discussions about what happened and how they feel about it is especially important for the healing process. But some children don’t want to talk. Young children may be too confused and some kids may not have the words for it yet. They may act it out in play, you may notice changes in their behavior or they make have nightmares. It is important that you make it clear that you are available to talk to when they are ready. Your kids may have an easier time talking about what their friends are saying than sharing their own feelings. This is still a great way for them to express their thoughts and concerns.

Children who feel the most helpless tend to have the most symptoms of post traumatic stress. According to author Daniel Goleman, “If people feel like there is something they can do in a catastrophic situation, some control they can exert, no matter how minor, they fare far better emotionally than do those who feel utterly helpless.” I believe this extends to the days, months, and even years after a trauma. Children who feel like they are able to help themselves and help others tend to recover quicker.

Helping

What can you do to help your child feel that sense of self efficacy? After 9-11 many children raised money for the Red Cross or sent letters to children in New York. Currently The United Way of Western Connecticut  is accepting donations. Local residents who wish to volunteer can contact the Connecticut Department of Emergency Services and Public Protection .

Your Own Reactions

One final thing to keep in mind, research shows that how well a parent copes with trauma
is  one of the most significant predictors of  how well a child recovers. According to the National  Center for Children Exposed to Violence,“Parents are the central sources of safety and security for their children.” Your children look to you to model how to deal with disaster. If you are having a difficult time with your own grieving process or fears seek help. One day, your children will thank you.

Things You Can Do to Help Your Children Cope

1. Turn off the television.

2. Reassure your children about their own safety.

3. Answer questions honestly but avoid giving more information than is being asked for.

4. Be observant about behavioral changes in your child.

5. Give kids the room to play out their anxiety through the use of toys and dolls.

6. Talk with your children about their thoughts, fears, and concerns.

7. Normalize their feelings.

8. Allow children who have lost someone to grieve their loss.

9. Focus on the people who helped and acts of heroism.

10. Help kids to take actions that will create a feeling that they can impact the world.

11. Teach kids to take all school drills seriously.

12. Stick to your normal family routines which provide security for kids.

13. Take positive action as a family.

14. Get help for yourself if you are having difficulty coping.

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Today I was on Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell talking about Wayne Treacy, the 15 year old boy who was arrested for beating 15 year old Josie Ratley to near death. Both teens attend Deerfield Beach Middle School, the same school where former classmate Matthew Bent and four of his friends were charged with attempted murder for dousing a classmate with alcohol and setting him on fire.

According to The National School Safety and Security Services the number of nationwide school related violent deaths have decreased from 33 in 1999-2000 to 13 in 2008-2009. But experts are reporting that when crimes are committed by kids they are increasingly violent.

It appears that we have the perfect storm of events. We have increasingly stressful home environments with a bad economy, children bombarded with violent images on television and in video games, a lack of face to face relationship with children increasingly relying on text messaging and email to communicate with friends and family, poor development of empathy skills among children combined with the impulsive underdeveloped teen brain. No wonder things are getting dangerous.

It is crucial that schools work to identify troubled students early and provide counseling. In the case of Wayne Treacy he has a father who has reportedly been arrested 43 times, a brother who committed suicide on his birthday, and the same day that he beat Josie Ratley unconscious, his girlfriend broke up with him. In retrospect it is clear that this kid was a time bomb waiting to go off.

On Monday, The Royal College of Psychiatrists called on the media to stop promoting unhealthy body images and glamorizing eating disorders. Recognizing that the media contributed to unhealthy body image and eating disorders, the group has asked for three changes:

1. More people with diverse body shapes represented by advertisers and in the press.

2. Putting an end to the use of underweight models.

3. The use of a kite mark scheme to alert readers when an image has been digitally manipulated or airbrushed.

According to Dr. Adrienne Key of the Royal College of Psychiatrists’ Eating Disorders Section, “There is a growing body of research that shows the media plays a part in the development of eating disorder symptoms – particularly in adolescents and young people.” Studies have shown that there is a direct correlation between how much exposure a female has to contemporary media and the frequency of eating disordered symptoms she experiences. One study in which women viewed slides of overweight, average, and thin models found that exposure to thin models resulted in lower self-esteem and decreased weight satisfaction. As bad as that statistic shows this situation is for adult women, children are even more vulnerable.

Up to half of the older elementary school girls read teen magazines at least occasionally and one quarter read them twice a week. Often, the girls will read these magazine to get ideas of how they “should” look. One study of eight to 11 year old girls found that they regularly compared themselves to fashion models and other media images and felt bad about the comparison.

In other cultures, outside of the United States, the rate of eating disorders has risen in direct correlation to the influx of American exports, such as television programs and feature films, which bring with them new concepts of beauty and femininity as well as Western clothing, which is geared towards the slimmer figures. For example, in Fiji, after being exposed to American television for only three years, Fijian teens who had never before been exposed to Western culture experienced significant changes in their attitudes and behaviors towards food and body image. In this culture where a comment like “you look fat today” was once considered a compliment, the standard of attractiveness has changed. As a result, the teen risk for eating disorders quickly doubled to 29 percent, while 15 percent of Fijian high school girls started vomiting for weight control (a five fold increase), 74 percent of Fijian teens said they felt “too big or too fat” at least some of the time, and 62 percent said they had dieted in the past month. The less time your children are spending exposed to media images the better off they will be.

Between Tiger Woods’ many affairs, former presidential candidate John Edwards denying being the baby daddy to his mistresses’ two year old child, Charlie Sheen’s alleged domestic violence and Governor Mark Sanford’s highly publicized tryst in Buenos Aires, people have been asking me a lot about forgiveness.

While marital infidelity is never acceptable, there is a big difference between an impulsive, one time, drunken mistake and an ongoing, lengthy affair that involves ongoing lies and deceit. It was not surprising that Jenny Sanford filed for divorce last month given the level and frequency of deception in this case which was off the charts and from which it would have been nearly impossible to recover.

 Thinking about forgiving someone who has harmed you? Here are the four “R’s” I recommend you examine before deciding whether or not to forgive:

1. Take responsibility. Has the person taken responsibility for their actions or are they still blaming, accusing or making excesses?
2. Show remorse. Does the person seem genuinely sorry for what they have done or are they just paying you lip service? Do they seem to genuinely understand why what they did was wrong and how it has harmed others?
3. Take steps to avoid repeating the same kind of mistake. What is being done to assure the same mistake is not going to happen again? Has the person started therapy or religious counseling? Has s/he agreed to stop spending time with someone with whom they have experienced temptation? Has s/he agreed to be open and candid with information, emails, cell phone information or remove him/herself from social networking sites?
4. Work to repair the damage. A commitment to the relationship and working to repair the damage caused are important parts of moving forward. It takes time to heal broken trust.

 There is one exception to all of this and that is domestic violence. Domestic violence is a deal breaker. Regardless of promises, it is likely to escalate and can end in murder. According to the FBI, one third of all murder victims are killed by an intimate partner. If you are experiencing domestic violence you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 for help.

Today I was on Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell  discussing the Michael Brewer case. According to police reports 15-year-old Brewer owed Matthew Bent $40 for a video game, so Bent tried to steal Brewer’s dad’s bike as compensation. Brewer’s family had Bent arrested. The next day, Michael was approached by five 15-and-13 year-old boys, including Bent.

1. Denver Colorado Jarvis, age 15;
2. Jeremy Jarvis (Denver’s brother), age 13;
3. Steven Shelton, age 15
4. Jesus Mendez, age 15
5. Mathew Bent, age 15

Bent allegedly called Brewer a “rat,” surrounded him with the other boys, ordered rubbing alcohol to be poured on him, which the 13-year-old did, and then set him on fire resulting in severe burns over more than 65 percent of his body. According to Dr. Nicholas Namias, the head of the burn unit at Jackson Memorial Hospital because of the extensive burns Brewer is at a risk for infection and is expected to experience organ failures. They believe it will be hard to conduct skin grafts to repair damaged areas, since grafting best succeeds when the patient’s own skin is used and Brewer does not have enough available healthy skin left. Deputies report that the only boy to show remorse after the incident was Jesus Mendez, who was the one who actually set Brewer on fire. The rest- including Jarvis- were reportedly heard laughing about the assault after their arrests.

On the show Jeremy Jarvis’ attorney Stephen Melnick claimed that the attack was not planned. How many 15 year old boys do you know who carry around rubbing alcohol and matches? I don’t know any. 

Some argue that these boys didn’t know what they were doing, that they were too young to understand. As I said on the show, these were not 5-year-old boys who had no understanding of what they were doing. These teenagers, a few years from being adults, clearly understood that when you light someone on fire, they burn, it hurts them and it can kill them. We have to hold them responsible.

Criminal Defense Attorney Mark Eiglarsh  pointed out that the frontal lobe, the portion of the brain that governs reasoning, is not fully developed yet in children so they make “stupid, even horrific, tragic decisions …like this.” I completely disagree; they make immature mistakes like riding a bike without a helmet, jumping off a tall tree, drinking too much beer at a party, or practicing unsafe sex. They don’t douse their friends with alcohol and light them on fire. To conduct an act like that takes such a complete lack of a conscience that is falls into a completely different category that is deeply pathological.

Unfortunately, I think we are going to see more heartless crimes like this committed by children. There seems to be a huge disconnect. Most kids today spend more time text messaging, watching television, playing video games, listening to music on an MP3 player, using Facebook or playing on the internet than having meaningful face to face connections with people, including their parents. All those technologies and media formats are terrific and they even have a place in a teenager’s life but not at the expense of relationships and connection.

Click here for transcripts of the show.