In my first book, The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy Confident Kids, I talked about how this new mentality of not keeping scores at kids’ games and giving awards to everyone who participates is actually harming our children. It prevents them from realistically assessing themselves, creates a sense of entitlement (“I showed up! Where’s my trophy?”) and prevents children from learning how to tolerate life’s disappointments.

I felt a little differently this weekend when my twin daughters, who are three years old, performed in their first ice skating competition. They have been skating for fun since they were two and recently when they were asked if they wanted to perform in the upcoming competition, gave an enthusiastic, “yes.” I suspect that knowing they would get to pick the music and the hope of getting an ice skating dress made it seem like a cool idea.

Watching each of my beautiful daughters perform in front of a crowd of people brought tears to my eyes. As a former elite level athlete (in rhythmic gymnastics), I know how much courage it takes to perform in front of a crowd and I couldn’t help but think that anyone who does it deserves a medal! That said, it was a tense moment for me when I realized that my daughters, who made up the entire age division, would  place first and second. Fortunately, they are not yet at an age where they know the difference between the red ribbon and the blue ribbon and there was no awards ceremony.

I do still believe that it is important that children have the experience of learning about themselves in a competitive environment. Both the experience of winning and, even more so, losing are incredibly valuable. That said, I think my girls can wait a couple more years before gaining an in depth knowledge about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

In the United States an estimated 11 million people suffer from eating disorders, 10 million of whom are women and 1 million are men. If the rates of subclinial eating disorders (eating disorders that do not meet the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual requirements to be officially diagnosed) were to be counted those numbers would go up exponentially. The National Eating Disorders Association estimates that 20 % of those still experiencing symptoms after 20 years will die. This means that eating disorders have the highest death rate of any mental illness in Western society.

Culturally, there is enormous pressure to be thin. Studies of Playboy  models and Miss America contestant winners over a thirty year period showed a steady decrease in body weight over time. These “ideal” models of the female body have stabilized at 13-16% below expected weight. Which is particularly shocking since it takes 22% body fat to ovulate and menstruate. The criteria for anorexia nervosa as defined by the DSM-IV includes body weight 15% below expected and amenorrhea (the absence of at least three consecutive menstrual periods). It is a sad statement on society that that the “ideal” female body meets half the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder.      

As the cultural ideal grows thinner and thinner, those who hope to achieve it work harder and harder to deprive their bodies. In a society where dieting is a $50 billion a year industry, women can’t help but feel the pressure to be thin. Sadly, even though the dieting recidivism rate has been reported to be as high as 99.5% dieting has become a rite of passage, a normal way to become part of the adult female world. It is that restrictive eating that is often the first step for an eating disorder to blossom.